I can't really decide how I feel right now... One the down side, I feel like dying. Life feels useless. We live, we die. This is due to the fact that I thought about death, how I will die alone, and simply no longer exist after death. No matter if I leave a memory behind, I will be, very simply, a thought only to others. Death will not hurt, even a fiery death, a torturous death, will mean nothing to me when death does come. Sure, nothing is hard to comprehend, but that is all death is. Nothing. A nice place to be (or not be... considering you cannot be in nothing.)

Ah, yes, some say that it is not how you arrive at B from A, but how you get there. This is suppose to make me content with living? I feel A and B are pointless in themselves. The analogy seems to me far too linear, even with an erratic, indistinguishable mess of lines connecting the A to B. Unfortunately life is restrained and linear.

I have and do try my hand at seeing life in a brighter light, but there is a rather large list of cons. I do see the pros, enjoy every minute of them, cry when they are at an end. I cannot seem to sustain the happiness... This is very likely my brain lacking something important.

On the bright side, I had an amazing day off. I woke up around 12:00 PM, took a shower, and ventured out to Marysville to visit my good friend, Katie. We walked around her neighbourhood for quite a while. I didn't note the time we spent -- an unnecessary task when enjoying ones presence. While walking Christina gave us a call, summoning us to the Turkey House. We had dinner there with the three, Christina... and two. I am bad with names... It was nice, other than being beset about my Mormon upbringing (again, sigh). We then left separately. Katie and I to her house, Christina and friends to whatever they had in mind for the night.

Katie and I came to her house, I played her guitar a bit, and we talked in her room a few minutes before deciding we should rent Everything is Illuminated. She hadn't seen it, and I had been raving about it the last few days, as well as the book. We watched it, enjoyed it. I almost cried at the end, again! I was more or less prepared for it, though. The book is far more disheartening, almost painful to read.

I'm surprised at my ability to really speak to someone after knowing them for such a short time. I feel really comfortable talking to Katie about most anything. Of course there are a few unmentionables, we all have these. She has been a huge help: a friendly face, a hug that very likely kept me from running away from my troubles (again.)

I seem to find those I consider close friends at the most opportune times.

reading: Everything is Illuminated (J.S.F.), House of Sand and Fog (A.B.III), Quicksilver (N.S.), A Man Without A Country (K.V.)