Depending on what happens tomorrow, my mood etc., I might be loosing a friend. This says it perfectly:

When I look in the mirror
I can't believe what I see
Tell me, who's that funky dude
Staring back at me
Broken, beaten down
Can't even get around
Without an old-man cane
I fall and hit the ground
Shivering in the cold
I'm bitter and alone

Excuse the bitching
I shouldn't complain
I should have no feeling
Cos feeling is pain
As everything I need
Is denied me
And everything I want
Is taken away from me
But who do I got to blame?
Nobody but me

(We all know what that's from.)

listening to: Weezer - Pinkerton

I am, officially, fucked. I fail to have any sort of life.


It snowed... :S

I Wonder Around, Nodding, Tonight
Terrible Oders
Leaving Orders
Very Easy.
Young, Old, Understood.

listening to: Bright Eyes - Fevers & Mirrors

I don't feel comfortable talking to her anymore. It isn't that I don't want to, I'm not sure what it is. It could be that I know my chances are kaput or it could be that I'm too nervous; it could be that I just have nothing to say, nothing worth saying, or what I feel is worth saying is out-of-bounds or a very unhappy subject. I still like her just as much, though there is far less than what there once was; I'm trying as hard as I can to keep the connection strong, it just really hurts. Sigh. It could be worse, I suppose. I could be sitting at home all day eating junk food, never seeing my friends,--might as well not have them--and playing on my computer. Oh... wait...that's all I ever do.

Being home just kills me. I hate being home. When I was visiting Laurel and Ryon the last few days I was happy. Even when I was just sitting around waiting for them to get home, or petting their cats when I couldn't sleep. I was happy being away from home. I didn't have to watch what I said whenever I was around them like I do with my parents and all my family in Hurricane.

I just hope these next three weeks until spring break/getting a job go by quickly. I'm really looking foward to going to spring break, but the fact that it is stopping me from getting a job really sucks.

On a lighter note; Dad and I (and Ryon and Jerry) put the engine back in the Van. We just need to plug everything in the rest of the way. I also guaged my ears to 10g. I woke up with them slightly swollen but I think it will go down in a few days.

listening to: Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning

I have recently decided, through years of study within my small and few social circles that I have and will proceed to fail in the acquiring the elusive boyfriend material staple. Not one girl, with the exception of Malissa has, as far as I know, ever put the thought to mind. And why would they? I'm boring, weird... and honestly that is all. Nothing more. Which is, I believe, partly the reason they do not find me attractive. I'm nothing. Or maybe it's simply because I don't "go for it" as much as the rest of the male population. Frankly, I think "going for it" is foolishness. But, again, I have been stopped short from several hopeful love interests by those who "go for it." It is supremely frustrating and depressing. I have good friends that are girls, yes--well, one, anyway--Alexis. But they only become my friends because, in the beginning and throughout the friendship I not only want to be good friends, but much more than that! Every--bloody--time. And, when these love interests enter these girl's lives, these "gofering" fools, they sweep them off their feet directly in front of my nose! What is one to do with all this silly competition? I choose to pout to no one in particular. And maybe cry a little later.

listening to: Dream Theater - Train of Thought

I have deleted the last two post out of... revelation, I suppose. Not a spiritual revelation in the common sense of the word spirit;--I'm atheist--rather in my personal philosophy. I have realized that, yes, I do have some problems with depression and also that I do not have to treat it in such a manner. I can, through recent paradigmatic amendments, make myself happy through memories, relaxation techniques, and forced rational thought. It's actually quite simple--so far.

I feel bad now... I know I'm not a very nice or caring person when I'm in such a mood. I think I hurt other's feelings; not only those of members of my family but close friends as well. I will not name them here, and I will not state my apologies here, but I will--I will--apologies to them in person. I don't have more to say, really. Other than that I'm OK; un-lost, hah.

listening to: The Shins - Wincing The Night Away