I think I don't talk enough. Really talk, that is. I don't tell people enough of how I really feel. Fuck, I don't even say what I really feel on my blog of all places. No one can hurt me here and yet I hold back. Probably because I know of those who read it, or at least one at this moment, who are responsible for many of those feelings, the feelings of which I must write somewhere! I would like people to know how I feel, I would like this girl to know how I really feel--and to be honest, I think she might know, or has inferred, or should infer the way in which I feel. I feel silly, being so afraid. If you can even call it that. Apprehension, or timidness. I'm 18, goddamn it. I need to be more self confident, less childish. I am being childish as we speak... er, as I speak/type. I don't even know how to explain why I like this girl. It just kinda happened. I've never felt as compelled to talk to someone as I had when I began speaking with her. To be open with them. It is also probably due to the fact that she actually seems to care about me. Hell, half of my friends don't care much about me, and those who do I haven't seen in far too long. They're in college (I think...) or working, or hanging out with their other friends. (Yeah, I'm a boring friend, sue me.) But they still care, and she does; she lets it be known. When I'm down, she cheers me up, or tries... I'm stubborn sometimes. She rides around with me in my car, no where to go but elsewhere. We're really good friends... I just wish there was something more.

I've always been this way though. Last to speak and always too late. The only 'relationships' I've been in have been initiated by the girl, and I enter timidly. Like a nervous puppy, in a sense. All shaky, big eyed, and stiff. Some girls might think the idea of a shy guy is cute, but I don't think it's fucking cute. I hate being nervous. I always make really horrible, hasty decisions that people read into badly.

I haven't seen her in a few days. I only talked to her last night for a bit, saw her at the play, gave her a hug and that was all. I was nervous as hell when I was talking to her, since I haven't seen her for a while. I hope I get to hang out with her again sometime this week. Not sure if I will... probably not. She's too busy with... Everything.

listening to: Death Cab for Cutie - The Photo Album